Last weekend, a buddy managed to score some Malana Cream from a friend of his. It has been ages since I got my hands on quality Indian stuff. There it was. Oily as it gets. The peppermint and charred aroma unmistakable as you draw it in.
It was also a great opportunity for some ‘How I beat the system chest thumping’.
Bragging rights were there for the taking and this friend started to boast about how a friend of his had beaten a drug test after smoking hash on the same day. The product that he’d used was called Jazz Total Detox.
My first reaction was, ‘Here we go again’! The friend of a friend who beat the test. That’s like the person who spotted Sasquatch.
But the guy was going on and on about how this shit worked at the cellular level to flush out toxins. So much so, that it insulted my intelligence. He even gave me two bottles for free to test out and write a Jazz Total Detox review. So, here goes.
Jazz Total Detox Review – My first impressions
Jazz total detox has a whole range of detox products which are aggressively marketed.
They have the normal detox liquids in 10 and 16 oz. bottles, they have one-hour capsules which according to them will help you flush toxins out if you have a drug test coming up within 48 hours of smoking weed, they have a mouthwash for saliva tests, detox accelerator for speeding up the detox process and a foli kleen shampoo for hair tests.
The detox liquids are available in multiple flavors. They come with the same set of standard instructions. You gulp down a bottle, refill it thrice with water and drink it. You need to take a leak at least three times and you are good to go for the next five hours or so.
Here’s where it starts to go down the drain.
Jazz detox claims that it is not a masking agent. It actually flushes the toxins out from your system on a ‘cellular level’. I don’t know what the fuck that means except that it flushes the drug metabolites out on a molecular level.
Now, I have heard and seen some shit in my life. But this one takes the cake.
On one hand, they claim that it does not mask toxins.
Then they say that you have a five hour ‘clean window phase’ to submit your sample. If it really flushes the toxins out within a few hours of using their products, then why do you stay clean for five hours only?
Contradictory statements apart, there is no detox product in the world that can help eliminate drug metabolites from your system including urine, tears, digestive, lymph, blood, saliva and liver in one day. Period.
My test results with Jazz Total Detox
As expected, I took the test and failed. Not once mind you.
I had two bottles of the liquid courtesy my friend who was a staunch believer. I took the test twice and failed on both occasions.
On another day, I would probably trashed the bottles right there in front of him. A glance on the bottle and their website would suffice to know that it’s a load of bull.
But since he was talking about like it was the holy grail of detox and he gave me 2 bottles to write a Jazz Total Detox review, I gave it shot. Don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you, folks. Its a total crap just like Magnum detox what I tested earlier. I recommend Mega Clean or Rescue Cleanse, you can read my Rescue cleanse here and my Mega clean review here. If the test is unsupervised do not waste your time with detox drinks, synthetic urine is the way to go!
- Fake claims
- Didn't work