From Issue: Volume XXI - Number 23
by Jay Beeler
There’s nothing funny about pain and I’ve had my share of that lately, due to a herniated disc that’s agitated the sciatica nerve that runs down the back of my leg. While visiting a doctor’s office recently he even had a sign in the lobby suggesting that “Laughter is the best medicine.”
But the reality was that Aleve and the more powerful Vicodin are the best things after you’re done laughing. Now I’m even wondering if medical marijuana would work. I’d like to find out, but they throw people in jail around here for having such thoughts.
Freelance photographer Diana Lejins has been a longtime advocate for medicinal pot and I’ve slowly migrated to her perspective. Diana recently shared some humor with me – although I would have appreciated a few marijuana seeds to start a small garden:
“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
“I said to him ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an ‘asshole.’ He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
“So my wife called him a ‘shit head.’ He finished the second ticket and started writing more. This went on for 20 minutes as the more we abused him the more tickets he wrote.
“Just then our bus arrived. We got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day, now that we’re retired.”
I am amazed at how I’ve started remembering things that happened decades ago, yet have trouble coming up with details about more recent events.
50-plus years ago my buddy, Fred, would regale me with humor he picked up while serving in the U.S. Army, such as the songs troops would chant to keep their cadence while marching. Unfortunately I can’t share any of that with our readers.
But my favorite was his line about “She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I loved her still.” Then he would say, “Of all my wife’s relations, I like myself the best!”
He had numerous variations on children’s nursery rhymes. I can’t share any of those either.
My brother recently sent me some politically incorrect tidbits. They remind me of something Jay Leno would use in his nightly monolog:
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said “I’ve not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power.”
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually.”
Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself: I’m going to take that.
A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, “Where am I?” The farmer looks back up and shouts back. “You’re in a basket, you idiot!”
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer ... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
The doctor is right; laughter is the best medicine. So please send your humorous items so that I can laugh and share with others. If you don’t have any humor, send me a “get well soon” plant – the kind with the pointy leaves.
"I love cats but I can't eat a whole one by myself."
"Some mornings it doesn't seem worth chewing through my restraints."
"The owner of a local hardware company learned that some of his employees were having more than a few drinks with no-odor vodka during at their lunch break. In response he issued the following memo: To all employees: If you insist on drinking during your lunch break, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know that you're drunk than to think you're stupid."