From Issue: Volume XXI - Number 22
by Jay Beeler
If I were king…
I’d have the traffic control technician in charge of Shoreline Drive flogged. Sometimes you can expect to have every one of the signals along this sans pedestrian/retail business corridor to be red for as much as two minutes, causing extensive delays on this Grand Prix “speed” track.
I’d propose that CSULB operate a Long Beach-oriented radio station manned by radio, TV and journalism students who primarily offer Long Beach news and music. Half a million residents and we do not have a radio or television station to call our own.
I’d make the VA Hospital devise a right-turn traffic lane on their property at the corner of 7th and Bellflower to stop the constant gridlock. It was done at 2nd and PCH with great success; it can be done on 7th as well without disturbing the existing pipes and trees.
Cell phone charges would be based on features used. I like to (1) make and receive calls, (2) use the contacts phone numbers in memory, (3) let unwanted calls go into voice mail, (4) use navigation and (5) alarm clock features to meet our newspaper delivery truck at 4 a.m. Getting and sending emails (6) is nice and instant messages (7) are barely tolerable. In rare situations surfing the internet (8), taking photos/movies (9) and using the calculator (10) come in handy. So by my count I should pay $10 per month for the services I use and others should pay an additional $90 per month for the junk (applications) they put on the devices.
Both Verizon and Charter executives would be given long-term jail sentences for censoring personal inbound and outbound emails they deem to be “spam.” That’s my decision and my decision only.
Every underground sewer/water/gas/oil pipe replacement project extending more than one block would mandate the placement of an equal length of water-proof conduits and vaults capable of handling all electric and communications wiring to eliminate the use of overhead lines/poles in all neighborhoods.
The US Postal Service would be banned from delivering anything but express mail and packages to your doorstep. All other mail would be delivered to neighborhood cluster boxes, thereby saving gazillions in unnecessary labor expense.
Every person associated with Carl’s Jr. advertisements would be fired. Using sex to sell hamburgers is the very worst kind of marketing. Restaurateur Ray Lasher says he likes the ads, so I assume the next restaurant he opens will feature his attractive wife, Lynn, in provocative, sexy pitches for cranberry meat loaf.
City Council members who insist on showing off their doctorate degrees would be forced to spend an hour each day in a hospital emergency room to learn what “real” doctors do. You could pretend to have a heart attack during a council meeting and those persons will be the first to find the exit door.
Ditto the above for chiropractors who are so insecure that they double up on “doctor” and use “Dr. John Smith, DC” in their advertisements. As Charlie (Sheen) Harper would say about his chiropractor brother, Alan, in the “Two and a Half Men” episodes, “You’re not a real doctor.”
All cops and paramedics would be required to wear body cameras to record the good and bad actions of those they encounter. That would provide a continuous, 24-7 television channel more riveting than car chases.
City staff would have to prove that we need a new civic center by providing documentation with their dubious claims. City Hall looks stronger than a bank vault and I’m betting that an 8.0 earthquake will never bring it down. Beef up the library complex to a world-class level instead, with a new, sloped-roof, retail similar to the airport’s waiting lounge, a historical museum and lots of seating to enjoy Wi-Fi, ocean views and a cup of coffee.
Former NFL quarterback and TV commentator Troy Aikman would be fined $1,000 every time he uses the words “I mean” on the air. That income should pay the salaries for him and his play-by-play partner, Joe Buck.
Finally, I’d grant knighthood to Councilmember Gary DeLong for his excellent service to the 3rd District and working diligently to rectify the money giveaway enacted by city officials a decade ago. While other cities are declaring bankruptcy, smarter heads prevailed locally to put Long Beach on track to achieve prosperity in the future. But, mind you, we are not out of the woods yet.
But since I’m not a king, I’ll just concur with the Belmont Shore Business Association’s naming DeLong grand marshal of this year’s Christmas parade.